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By: William Kaliher

In my continuing study of the malfunction commonly termed, the liberal thought process I often focus on the level of their humor. Generally speaking today's liberal "humor" reflects the mind of a simpleton. A joke as complicated as a man slipping on a banana peel would be over the heads of roughly 85% of all liberals. Their basic jokes are on the level of something like, "Hey Bush is a doo-doo head." Study the dour faces of leading liberals and the blank and bland expressions on the faces of retreads that follow them and it explains why this level of joke is effective. The retardation required to laugh at most liberal humor is why I don't fear liberals on anything beyond them voting for evil people. Still, there is that 15% of the liberal population that is capable of appreciating, telling and enjoying a real joke against non-liberals.

The liberals now have sixty-four anti-Republican jokes circulating on the Internet. These are titled, "You might be a republican if..." In that indomitable liberal style that explains why in their system trains would never run on time and why our society has so many warts they weren't able to put the jokes out as 1 through 64. No, on the same e-mail we get "You might be a republican if..." 1 through 44 and "You might be a Republican if..." 1 through 20. I realize most people were already afraid of Hillary's socialist medical system. Now try to imagine it again being run by people that can't list 1 through 64. Perhaps, this will help you understand why LBJ's five trillion dollar and counting Great Society Program increased poverty, why the money thrown away on education reduces test scores, morality and discipline. Pick your liberal government program, the principle remains the same, it's managed by morons that can't work out 1 through 64.

*Warning going in: Although I graded as a compassionate conservative few of the 64 leftist jokes were humorous. If you don't find my assessments funny after reading the first five or six it's best to stop reading as nothing below will be amusing.

Now I give you, "You might be a Republican if..." with my assessment of the ??joke??.

1. You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

Actually this isn't bad. I give it an A. Additionally, it allows the liberal to once again think about their hero Stalin and what they considered the apex of civilization, the U.S.S.R.

2. You've named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two"

This joke gets a big ol' C-. This was a good try but it loses as roughly 30% of all Democrat voters are drawing welfare and don't know what a deduction means. Those good Democrat voters just have to laugh along, until the joke can be explained at some later date.

3. You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

I have to grade this joke twice. We have to give this joke a good solid D for effort. It has no reality which keeps it from being truthfully humorous. However, the deceit of people like Dickie "The Reptile" Gephart have convinced the simplest Democrats this is true. This is where the second grade comes in. The Republican grade and here it gets an A on two main points, A. Anyone with any knowledge cannot help but laugh, if not ridicule, anyone that laughs at the attempted joke. B. Virtually all libertarians and conservatives know enough economics to realize a rise in minimum wage is equaled out within three months of enactment. It is actually a secret tax on the elderly and other fixed income people. Both true believer Democrats and Republicans should be ridiculed for supporting or opposing the minimum wage.

4. You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

Straight-out F minus. Another case of liberals applying their psychological problems to others.

5. You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

F, again, this is liberal want to be humor. It makes no sense. It might make some sense if it were applied to certain religious groups, but for this to be humorous virtually all liberals would have to deny Jesus and all Republican would have to be fundamentalist Christians with Ph.D.s in economics.

6. You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

C for the effort of turning around the Republican joke: You're against the death penalty but for butchering babies.

7. You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

C+ for this joke. It's a fair cut and identifies again the liberal fixation and support of cop killers and other sociopaths. This may be why they found Bill Clinton as morally superior.

8. The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

Give this one a B. It's not too accurate but it does follow the media spin and is funny.

9. You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

Another B on general principle. This one would be an A if it could be accurately applied to Republicans. It mainly loses on the fact that Democrats rarely elect anyone that can smile, Leahy, Waxman, Lantos, Levin to mention a few grumps, but even worse is that not only did all non-Democrats laugh as kids, we roll on the floor and try not to wet our pants from laughing every time Representative Maxine Waters makes a spectacle of herself.

10. You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

Give this one a C, it's a good try, only offset by the Democrats themselves who claim we spend most weekends cutting loose at KKK gathering. There's the additional oversight of not realizing Bobbie Dole is continually on the verge of overdosing on Viagra.

11. You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

F-, this is typical liberal humor. It is so stupid it's hard to comment on. A hundred innocents at WACO burned alive and a small child terrified in Miami. One wants to vomit that these liberals have so little sorrow for what their administration and other out of control government law enforcement officials did.

12. You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

F again. Only a liberal could have sunk so low that they have no morality to worry about.

13. You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

C-, based mainly on the media presentation. It fails on all other accounts when one considers every large war the past century was started by a Democrat and Bill Clinton alone had more military engagements than the previous ten presidents. It mainly reflects the ocean like lack of knowledge on the part of anyone that would think it clever.

14. You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

A+, this is a good play on the stereotypical Republican.

15. You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

D- for effort. It's doubtful this joke means anything.

16. You answer to "The Man."

F-, the author doesn't realize Republicans avoid eubonics.

17. You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

Ungradable, I am unaware of any Republicans who have watched the Simpsons, but this may actually be hilarious to liberals.

18. You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

C, this doesn't make too much sense, but it is so far above their average joke.

19. You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "deviance."

Ungradable. I can't imagine an adult non-Democrat watching a PBS cartoon. Again, this may be hilarious to Democrats but remains senseless to the thinking portion of the American population.

20. You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...

F, again this doesn't tie into the word Republican, but is at the level expected from a Democrat and given the mental acuity of adults who watch Sesame Street this is probably a scream.

21. You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

D, for this one. Nothing humorous with it but I liked the dashes.

22. You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

F, Huh!!!!

23. When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

Once again this gets two grades, a C from the Democrat side and an A if told from the Republican side as most non-Democrats would think it hilarious the Democrats are fixated on the sixth most successful Mr. Marx instead of the most successful.

24. You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

D, what can I say? Another typical piece of liberal sub-humor.

25. You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

A+, this one was obviously written by a superior Democrat intellect and is designed to make a Republican laugh at himself instead of making some retards laugh at Republicans. (Of course, I know what the author meant when he mistakenly used Birkenstock.)

26. You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

F, this jokes reflects Democrat ignorance far more than anything against a pro-Second Amendment stance.

27. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

D, this would probably be funny to lower echelon Democrats. This fails as a joke as only a few Democrats and most Republicans have spent so much time trying to make sense of this needless war John F. Kennedy and Lyndon B. Johnson started.

28. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

F, again the only people in America with racial problems seem to be liberal Democrats, so this joke can't be applied.

29. You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

F, once again we have the equivalent of Bush is a doo doo head.

30. You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

C, boogie-man material, but it does make a point there are people who would weigh societal costs against insane environmentalism.

31. You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

F, Is anyone really so retarded they don't know Anita Hill was a lying bitch?

32. You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

C, this deserves a grade for effort. It does reflect the attitude that most Republicans don't think a plagiarist who's organization has lawsuits to keep information on him sealed is a prime candidate for a national holiday.

33. You've ever called education a luxury.

F, first the reach is too great to be funny and secondly education is obviously a luxury liberals failed to obtain.

34. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

F, there is too much sadness associated with this to be funny. It makes one realize the liberals have convinced so many people they can't accomplish anything.

35. You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

F, what Republican wants to pay taxes to the Pentagon or anywhere else? Additionally the author should learn to spell deductible when releasing something for publication.

36. You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

D, I realize it's not funny, but these liberals are trying and I reward effort.

37. You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

C, this would be funny to a treasonous crowd.

38. You're afraid of the "liberal media."

F, Republicans are afraid of people stupid enough to listen to the liberal media. They know such people often harm themselves and others when voting.

39. You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

B, pretty good jab, and most telling about those that would laugh at it.

40. You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

F, only a liberal could think Piss Christ was art.

41. You think all artists are gay.

D-, unfortunately this joke is again on the toddler level.

42. You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

Ungradable again, this must appeal to adults that watch cartoons or I guess Democrats.

43. You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

F, How can something this pointless be funny? What in the world has happened to liberal humor?

44. You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

D-, for the Democrat joke but an A+ joke from the Republican perspective. It clearly demonstrates what Democrats are concerned with. My God, how can anyone be concerned with John Lennon on a national or international scale outside of music? The preschool humor level they're stuck at continues to make sense.

You MIGHT be a Republican if...

1. You believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due entirely to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault.

C, we'll give this one a good solid C. The gas prices part is worth something. It is unfortunate the Democrat writing this knows so little about economics that the interest rate was 22% when Reagan took over and that all our abundance since then has been from his policies.

2. You believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

F-, this is almost too stupid to comment on. Most non-Democrats almost despise people born rich that don't do anything in business to improve themselves and society. The Democrat that wrote this is more than wanting to deify the dead Kennedy's and think the super-rich, alcoholic brother in the Senate is just the thing.

3. You're against government programs, but expect your Social Security checks on time.

C, there's enough truth here to grade it a C.

4. You believe that pollution is OK, so long as it makes a profit.

F, This one is actually too foolish for comment. For heaven's sake get me back to the kindergarten level of liberal jokes quick!

5. You believe in prayer in schools, as long as people don't pray to St. Mary, Allah, Krishna, or Buddha.

D from the liberal side and an A from the Republican side. I can hardly quit laughing at someone who despises religion using prayer in a joke.

6. You believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

F, however, liberals know their teenagers if not pre-teens aren't virgins. The only questions are what type perversions are they participating in and if their daughters are servicing more people orally than Monica managed.

7. You believe that women cannot be trusted with decisions about their own bodies, but that large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever.

F, this can only make sense to a liberal.

8. You know you love Jesus and that Jesus loves you and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

C, this joke only gets a C as Jesus only hates the Clintons.

9. You believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.

F, only a liberal could convince himself sex has anything to do with that investigation.

10. You believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.

F, the idiot that wrote this one isn't even smart enough to read the polls.

11. You believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

F, It's just too far a stretch to even start the lip to curl.

12. You believe that the American Civil Liberties Union is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the National Rifle Association is good because they defend the Constitution.

F, The writer of this joke attempt obviously knows little about either organization.

13. You believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn't exist.

F, this is in the very low doo-doo category.

14. You believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.

F, the length of this attempt exposes too much of the authors ignorance.

15. You believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.

F, this is a statement of the author's confusion instead of a joke.

16. You believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5,000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.

F. the author of this statement has no idea of the economic structure or governments of the Renaissance or the United States. It would take a ninth degree imbecile to laugh at this, and although liberals with this level of intelligence are allowed to vote none of them are able to read, much less follow a non-sequitur of this length.

17. You believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Bob Livingston, Dan Burton and numerous other Republican politicians both past and present for their marital infidelities, and other indiscretions, but that bastard Clinton should be impeached... again.

C, for the try, but the idiot writing doesn't realize Gingrich and Livingston couldn't be elected dog catcher in a totally Republican district and that Hyde and Burton make this a comparison of apples and oranges.

18. You believe that the Federal Government should always respect the sovereign rights of the States to determine and define their own laws, except when you need to elect a Republican as El Presidente.

B, this gets a good solid B. The writer doesn't realize many Republicans refer to Republicans of this stripe as Bushys or RINOs and obviously the writer has never read Ron Paul.

19. Marc Rich, pardoned by that bastard Clinton was evil and indicted because his corporation did business with that other evil bastard Saddam Hussein. Dick Cheney's company Halliburton did the same thing, but they're OK.

F, the bastard that wrote this is too stupid to try writing politics even if he is as big a bastard as Clinton and Hussein. Clue 1, It's proven concerning Rich. Clue 2, It's not proven on Cheney. Solution to mystery: as soon as we prove it on Cheney he'll be as big a bastard as the rest. In the meantime Cheney's what we might term an unindicted bastard or a bastard on a lower level.

20. Presidential pardons should be severely limited, unless you are a REPUBLICAN president and you are pardoning your defense secretary to prevent a publicly embarrassing trial that would implicate YOU.

F, again, the author hasn't read anything but spin and lacks the knowledge to make a joke.

Although, I love ridiculing liberals, this attempted humor is depressing.

Forty years ago the left had some good humorists that could slice and dice. There are still some good, fiery liberals around with intelligence that could be humorous. Some that come to mind immediately are Chris Matthews, Christopher Hitchens, James Carvel and Pat Corddell. Those are, of course, important men and are highly unlikely to see left-wing material this pitiful. I can only pray, somehow, these men will be exposed to this material as it's the only way they can realize to what extent liberalism has declined. The effect might encourage them to work toward rasing the level of the Democrat party from the sewer or turning their great ability to writing humor. It would be nice to have a leftist get a jab in now and then to keep us in line when we go overboard. In the meantime I urge all compassionate conservatives to write their representatives and ask the next time the liberals want a special spending bill to insert something so conservative writers will be hired to write jokes for liberals. The last four good anti-Bush and anti-Republican jokes I've seen were written by conservatives, libertarians or Republicans. Although the leftists are our political enemies, we can not allow future generations to look back and realize one of the parties declined to a pre-school mentality.

William Kaliher is a free-lance political columnist and a staff writer for the Ether Zone.

He can be reached at wkaliher@mindspring.com

Published in the February 6, 2002 issue of  Ether Zone.
Copyright 1997 - 2002 Ether Zone.

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