The second way won’t work either (we know this because we’ve become a nation of gutless sheeple), and that is to stage an armed revolt a la 1776. We’re way too addled by addiction to careers and mortgages and material splendor to ever rise up and, at gunpoint, overthrow the creeps who currently run the show and hold our beloved form of government hostage. Besides, our Smith & Wessons are no match for authorities who can protect themselves with the help of precision-guided missiles, tactical field nukes and satellite-based death rays.

The third way is the one that actually will work. Simply, all we have to do is start calling ourselves gay.

Yes, that’s right my fellow straight, monogamous, heterosexual comrades – from here on in we’re gay.

Gays have all the rights in this country, or haven’t you noticed?

Take what’s happening in San Francisco. The whack-job mayor there wakes up one morning and decides he’s going to flout the laws of man and God by illegally issuing marriage licenses to a couple of thousand sodomites, and the entire political establishment coast-to-coast suddenly behaves like it’s a deer caught in the headlights. Instead of readying a cell to lock up the mayor if he persists in doling out marriage licenses that are prima facie invalid, what are the authorities doing other than retreating into their hiding places for fear of offending those calling themselves gay?

Tammy Bruce, the former National Organization of Women chapter president who turned conservative columnist, wrote recently of a pair of quick-thinking college kids – right-wing straights both – who avoided going to jail by claiming to be gay. The students were caught red-handed chalking onto the walkway satirically mocking slogans about their school’s leftist administration. The youths belonged to a conservative discussion group that the university branded subversive; the campus police had been instructed to be on the lookout for members of thist "dangerous" organization and to round them up if observed engaging in wanton acts of "terrorism," such as posting flyers announcing lectures by conservative speakers. When the school’s cops spotted the duo writing on the sidewalk, they prepared to arrest them. One officer, fondling the handcuffs, heatedly asked the students if they were affiliated with the conservative group-non-grata. The lads kept their cool and ingeniously made up a story that they were gay activists. The cops right away backed down and left the two to freely continue defacing school property with their insulting jabs.

So there you have it. You exercise your rights and, when confronted by authorities, you tell them you’re gay. End of battle. You win.

I don’t care what right you want to exercise – it will be guaranteed to you by virtue of claiming to be gay.

And claiming is the key to it. Anybody can say they’re gay, but how can that be challenged? It’s not like a young white guy trying to pass himself off as an elderly black female. With gay, there is no physical characteristic that marks you as such; there’s no skin coloring, no extra appendages (unless you count that cute little purse some of the swishier types like to sport), no foreign accent (they don’t all lisp and talk bitchily prissy, you know), no genetic markers of any kind. If you say you’re gay, you’re gay. No one can disprove it.

Now, I’m reasonably sure that many proud, manly conservatives will be loathe to proclaim themselves gay, no matter how much freedom from government control it promises to deliver. The ones who will be most reluctant of all to accept the gay mantle will be Christian conservatives on grounds that to make such an assertion would be tantamount to telling a lie, something God won’t condone.

To my Christian brethren, be ye not afraid – telling people you’re gay is not a lie. It is in fact Gospel truth.

Smith, have you flipped your lid? No, not at all. Gay is what Christians are by virtue of having been washed in the blood of the crucified Lamb and thus assured of eternal life in Heaven. The dictionary definition of gay is to be joyous, lively, merry, happy, light-hearted. Anyone given a free ticket to escape the everlasting fires of Hell ought be as gay as they come.

The problem has been that homosexuals 40 or so years ago conscripted this wonderful word "gay" into their crusade for wickedness and have since corrupted it to the point that now the term means one thing and one thing only – "sodomite." I say it’s high time we take back gay and begin once again confidently, comfortably uttering it in reference to ourselves. If a mere 1% of the U.S. population – the homosexuals – can bring this nation to its knees by saying they’re gay, imagine what impact it will have when the 40% of Americans who are normal and conservative commence shouting from the rooftops that they, too, are gay.

Here, let me show you. "Hi, there – my name is Rich Smith and I’m gay."

See how easy that can be? It’s powerful too – more so when I toss in the word "activist" right after gay.

Watch again. "Hi, there – my name is Rich Smith and I’m a gay activist."

Afraid to mess with me now, aren’t you, you miserable left-wing totalitarian-mongers? Quaking in your Doc Martens, no doubt.

OK, conservative friend, your turn. Repeat after me. "My name is _______ (state your name) and I’m putting all you government weenies on notice. Henceforth, you will no longer be permitted to trample my Creator-endowed rights as enshrined in the Constitution. Don’t tread on me. I am a gay activist. Unless you want to be known from here on in as a gay basher and a hater of the gay community, which I know you think is worse than death, worse even than being labeled a Christian – unless you want that tag, you’d just better stay out of my way. Keep your tentacles to yourself, get your camel’s nose out from under my tent and stop thinking of me as that stupid proverbial frog in a pot of water slowly rising in temperature to boil me alive without my noticing what’s happening. I am gay, hear me roar."

Welcome, brother. Welcome to the world of full enjoyment of Constitutional rights and of freedom from the threat of government interference with your pursuit of life, liberty and happiness.



"Published originally at EtherZone.com : republication allowed with this notice and hyperlink intact."

Rich Smith has been a freelance journalist since 1976 and is currently based in a nearly liberal-free zone along the rim of California's fearsome Mojave Desert. He is a regular columnist for Ether Zone.

Rich Smith can be reached at newsdesk@cci-yuccavalley.com

Published in the March 1, 2004 issue of  Ether Zone.
Copyright © 1997 - 2004 Ether Zone.

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